At first, everything is timing. You meet a new person because you happen to be in the right place at the right time. You connect with each other because both of you are in a state of mind that is somehow receptive to the other person. Physically, you appear irresistibly attractive and the other person's physicality appeals to you. Each of you manages to express loving, sensual words and feelings and you both behave in pleasing and seductive ways. A spark develops between you and you begin the early stages of love.
At first, when each of you appears to be the answer to the other's dreams, love may develop easily. Perhaps you were not that interested but the other person kept pursuing you, flattering you, building up your ego and self-esteem, until loving feelings emerged within you. Perhaps one or both of you were involved with someone else at the time you met each other. The forbidden aspect, the sense that the grass is always greener somewhere else, the admiring glances, the electrifying touch, and the desire for immediate gratification can lead to some hot and lusty interchanges. The early stages of love are ignited.
Many people are most content at that early stage of love's development, which often lasts no longer than a few months, sometimes only a few weeks, and perhaps as long as a few years. Inevitably, however, at some point in time, the overwhelming desire dissipates. It is difficult to continue longing for something you already have. As the initial excitement and overwhelming passion diminishes, what replaces it is often a sense of boredom, disinterest, edginess, or being locked in and smothered.
So here you are, you met this wonderful new person. Maybe at first you were resistant and the other person kept pursuing you. Finally, their efforts paid off and you succumbed to their loving words and actions. You thought you hit the jackpot, that you were finally getting the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Suddenly, out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, the other person begins to back away, taking longer and longer to return your phone call, email and text messages. At the same time, those wonderful words and loving actions seem to be replaced by a bit of snappiness, less personal attention, and an attitude of complacency or even disdain.
What happened, you wonder? What did I do wrong? What can I do to get this relationship back the way it was before, when this person adored me, constantly flattered me, gave me gifts, paid attention to me, and always showed love for me?
Well, one way to possibly get all that excitement, attention and passion back, is for you to go away, disappear, create a sense of mystery and a feeling of loss in the other person's mind. But that may not be practical, especially since you have not yet overcome your own sense of passion and longing. And, if this person has truly turned off emotional investment in you, there may be very little you can do to get it back. At this point, you are not operating on even ground. The other person has control and all you can do is weather the storm.
This is where self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love are essential for you to be able to make sense of what is happening and to maintain your own emotional stability. Knowledge is also essential: knowledge and understanding about the way the world works, the laws of attraction, what creates passion and desire, and what it takes to sustain an intimate, loving relationship. As the initial passion and idealistic view of another person wears off, you begin to really look at the other person. What you see now may be very different from what you thought you saw through the rose colored eyes of passion.
As your vision of the other person gains more clarity, you may not want to rock the boat by explaining your internal changes. You may actually be pretending to remain the same -- while inside, your thoughts and feelings have changed. The other person usually can sense this change, but without the clarity that you are developing. At this point, you may begin criticizing and finding fault with the other person.
This is the stage that separates the men from the boys, the women from the girls. This is the point where unresolved childhood issues can glaringly block any further intimacy. A person whose family provided adequate enough caretaking will probably be able to remember the good feelings, the passionate ideals at the same time that he or she begins to see flaws and qualities that are not so appealing. Then the logical mind can take over and evaluate the good qualities, the incompatible differences, and overall sustainability of a relationship with this person.
However, if your early upbringing was fraught with problems - emotional rejection, neglect or abandonment, or some type of abuse - it may be difficult for you to choose a caring and responsive partner. You may actually lose respect for someone who is kind and gentle, viewing them as weak and needy.
Relationships are complex and require a high level of self-awareness, interpersonal communication skills, and emotional balance to sustain love, affection, sexual passion and romance over a long period of time. If you believe you are ready for love, but realize that you are lacking some important skills, relationship counseling can help you in ways you probably cannot imagine. Decide what you really want in your life and then seek out help rather than struggling all alone.
Love makes the world go around. How do you want your world to be?
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